Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Wednesday's "Deep Thoughts" by The Badger

I have been asked by the 'GF', or as she is referred to by me when eating Mexican: El Birto, to be a guest blogger. Which I have, obviously, happily accepted. As I am not a member of the Bird's target audience, I am a straight male, I have struggled with what the content of my blog should be so that I may connect with the Bird Blog's audience.
My first inclination is to rant about things that irritate me. Particularly Obama, Northerners, Gel/meat heads, Kerry/Edwards bumper stickers, most inhabitants of the states of Colorado, California, Massachusetts, most residents Chapel Hill/Carrboro/Durham NC, liberal-social-communism, the media in general, anyone driving a car on the road beside me (this is because I am the worlds greatest driver, no matter what), and basically, anyone that is not like me that has a stereotype I can play on in an offensive manner in hopes of some kind of reaction from the offended that I can laugh at. That is something I truly love to do, but will spare ya'll because, for the sake of sounding hypocritical, I cannot stand people who impose their views on others in any way, shape, and form, if their views contrast mine.
So I begin to think of common links, given the feedback from the Bird's previous blog, my second blog idea is a BBQ lesson and talking about meat in general. I will refrain because it will NOT be entertaining. Although I do encourage you all to generally educate yourselves on the finer points of meat, marbling, cuts, locations of muscle. This is not only useful knowledge, but will contribute to cool points with the 'BF'. However, if you find out you know more than he does, you might want to start looking for a new one.
Now it hits me... we both most likely do not fully understand the other sex, I can give a males perspective on the sweet things we mean to do and/or think we are doing, but for some unknown reason never do, or are in our eyes not given credit for. My inspiration comes from Andy, star of the Bachelor season MLXVIII (or as I refer to it as 'The Badgelor). Andy was a master of what I call...Cheesy. This refers to the terrible cliched one liners/old obvious 'moves' used by guys (particularly meaty gelheads that listen to techno and pound Yeager) that somehow girls interpret as a display of affection, when really it is nothing more than a dramatic lie to get some. Other fine examples of these actions can be seen on MTV, VHI or any network that sponsors the epidemic of reality TV.
I am occasionally told by the 'GF' that I need to be sweeter sometimes, more 'Andy' as we call it. I agree that I could probably do this, but the majority of my decisions are already influenced in her favor. Let me support this statement with the following, it is sweet when I QUIETLY watch the Bachelor/gossip girl/ Grey's Anatomy/TMZ or whatever general terrible girliness is on the television when I would rather be watching Dirty Jobs, Football, History Channel, or National Geographic. It is sweet when I clean the kitchen after dinner, put the towel back on the rack, and cook you dinner. This is all done with the happiness of the 'GF' in mind. General lesson, there does not have to be a production of bouquets of flowers with strolling minstrels and a diamond bracelet to say 'I love you'. The intentions are there for us to do such things, but if we always did, we would be falling into the world of  Andy, and too much of that could possibly lead to rejection which we do not like.
Along the lines of a fear of rejection, there is a lesson about guys to be seen, we are 'immature'. I put this in quotations because we believe our actions are fine, you most likely do not. We always will be, if we are not then there is normally a problem. We will say and do things you think are incredibly stupid but we will think are incredibly funny.
I would insert an example of my latest antic, but in order to save face I will simply let you reflect on a moment of male immaturity you have witnessed.... got it?.... However, if we didn't say or do such things, and only used sweet, cliche Andy lines, then you would quickly get tired of our fawning and we would get tired of ourselves.
How can you earn more giant "Andy" signs of affection... it is simple: say what you mean, tell us exactly what you would like to do, eat, or where you would like to go, or if it is a yes or no question, respond with a YES or a NO. This makes us happy because we are not worried about making you happy and can continue to live life with less stress, and you are much more likely to get big 'Andy' signs of affection. Trying to decipher what you really want and hoping we are right uses up 99% of Andy points. Simple math says that if less are used in this decoding of the female persona, then there are more to use elsewhere.
Here's the summary, and I will use a cliche, too much of a good thing is not necessarily a good thing. If we didn't drive you nuts, then you wouldn't appreciate when we are sweet. 
I love Bird,
PS. I want to give a shout out to the bathtub gangsta. You roll deep in the cut. Keep it real homes.

**The above guest post was written by "The Badger" for entertainment purposes only. Thank you, Barefootbird**


Randall said...

Hi there Badger - funny post, you did a good job! :)

I especially love your closing "I Love Bird" line... always good to throw that in!

Well I Do Declare said...

This made my day! I think Badger should guest blog once a month :P Always nice to get another perspective!!

LovesPINKandPEARLS said...

Hahahahaha! Wow, youre a character, and i think its great!

N.M.B. said...


KtP said...

Awesome post! I agree with well i do declare - a once a month posting would be great! :)

Belle (from Life of a...) said...

Mercy Badger. I'm partial to Obama just now, my son lives in Chapel Hill, and I like to drive. Can't we still be friends anyhow?

LOL....come on...that's pretty funny, right?

Cas said...

So funny! Thanks for being a guest blogger.